Fear has ruled my life for way too long. Fear of living below my expectations and the expectations of others. Fear of failing, fear of everything I can't control, and even fear of hearing from God.

The last part may sound funny, but it is true. I have always tried to squeeze the way God speaks to me into a box. I would only allow him to talk to me through the word while I study my bible and through the still small voice, which sounds like me and is easy to silence whenever I want. These two ways are great and there is nothing wrong with them. However, I have known in my heart for some time that God has wanted more from me. Fear of complete surrender had been holding me back. I was comfortable with this fear and allowed it to stay and it grew and grew and threatened to take over my life.

This fear has manifested in different aspects of my life for years now, the strongest being my fear of being in cars. I am terrified every time I have to get in a car, no matter how short the distance. I only cope by sleeping through the journey or distracting myself by watching something on my phone. I have absolutely refused to drive and I have tried to learn but dropped out of driving school because of this fear. No I have never been in a major car accident and there is no "physical" explanation for this. But, I woke up one day and it was there.

This fear has also manifested as control several times as I have professed over and over how much I hate spontaneity. Once something deviates from the hundreds of plans I make for everything, I begin to unravel. I keeps grasping to hold things together and this has only led to me being exhausted because the more I try to control, the more things I find that I can't control.

This fear has manifested as worry as I worry about losing the people I love and try to protect them in the most ridiculous ways. I hover, loom and if I could, i would put them in a box where I can watch over and protect them from any and everything.

This morning, 1 John 4:18 came to me and I kept speaking it out loud and meditating on it. After which I said a prayer. I asked God to immerse me so deeply in his love so fear would find no room in me. I told myself that I was in this situation because I was not living in the fullness of His love. I then proceeded to worship God.

While worshipping, God revealed to me that I was currently fully immersed and living inside of His love. He showed me the point in my life at which he had lifted me out of darkness and despair and that I had been in His love from that day. He had surrounded me with so much love and beauty from that day however, I had been living as an orphan without a father in some parts of my life.

I immediately understood what I needed to do and so I opened my mouth and rebuked the spirit of fear that had lingered with me for way too long. I am currently free from it. God had given me the authority to do this all along, I just needed to understand this and act.

I am thankful that I have a loving Father who watches out for me and teaches me without condemnation every day.